20240429
My last post was years ago... probably, I haven't looked. Today I find myself sad, divorced, living where I don't want to be, with someone who loves me intently but isn't right for me anymore. I do love him, and I don't want to be with another person. His constant negativity and senseless loud and profane arguing mixed with his inability/unwillingness to go and do any of the things I want to do, leaves me sad and lonely even when I am not alone. Yes, he apologizes for the screaming and cussing, but it happens daily so the apologies aren't real, are they?
Part of the issue is my present housing situation. I abandoned my home of 30+ years, jut walked away. It sits now, just down the road, rotting. I gave up on it. Can't sell it for enough to do something else -- can't rebuild on it til the existing structure is dismantled and hauled away. Everytime I think I have enough $ to demolish it, the costs goes up.
The home we are in now is worse in many ways than where I left - smaller, bad plumbing, bad floors... however the roof doesn't leak and the electrical hasn't caught on fire (yet). I find that the walls close in on me, daily. I spend my days on the couch, instead of sewing or cleaning or accomplishing a damn thing. Hopeless. I guess that's what I feel. Hopeless. Stupid. Stuck.
You didn't come here for the pity party tho, did you?
On the bright side, my grandkids are growing up big and strong and happy. Two 17 year olds, a 15 year old, and a ten year old. That makes me very happy.
